Light

Little Bird, yellow bird! Go towards the light! 

Caught inside, caught inside - restricting your flight!

To be calm, to be calm, sweeping dust from the lamps - 

I'll darken the room to brighten your path. 

 How did you get here, I wonder in panic!

Was this place brighter than the outside planet? 

Rest a bit allowing your heart beat to catch -

Perch
on the light fixture with tilted head cast. 

I know, I know! I'll darken the room!

To open the way

 knowing that you will take flight

 towards it without delay. 

Little bird, little bird, Go towards the light! 

Little bird, yellow bird, take wing and take flight!

Full of freedom, 

the grand world wide -

the sky is yours 

when 

not 

trapped 

inside.

12 Days of Christmas - Rolltop Desk

 One year while I was sorta still living at home (I say that because I was hardly ever at home) I remember there were no presents for me under our Christmas tree. Yeah, I was nervous because my mom and I had had a rough year  - the relationship was strained and I wasn't sure what was going to happen that year.

I would look there almost every day as I saw new packages pop up - the tags on the package never had my name. 

I was so happy I did finally get one gift! Yahoo! My heart was feeling better that maybe I would get some things after all and not be embarrased that I was going to be the 'kid punished' that year. 

I remember only 2 gifts; one I still have - it is a hand made stitch work of a frog with the phrase "Frogs are smart, they eat what bugs them".  

The other gift was a roll top desk. 

I had always wanted one. I just thought they were the coolest ever. 

I don't even remember how the desk got presented to me that Christmas. 

It was too big to wrap - and I don't remember how I got it out of the house or upstairs to my room, but it went with me when I did move out. 

I had the desk for many years. I believe it finally got donated to the GoodWill during the remodel of our home. I want to say that was 2008 or so. 

The gift was tremendous. I am sure it was expensive. It was probably a difficult thing for my mom to do to select only one or two things to give - you see my mom was very generous, but also very calculated. 

Gifts are for the giver, not really for the reciever. But the greater the love that goes into the selection or creation of the gift, the more valuable the gift becomes. 

Hearts

A hopeless heart today had I, the source of song recently dry - I sought the aid of neighbors, friends and push on through to meet the ends. A wish for health and better days sometimes seems quite a distance away and fear and lost my heart becomes while waiting on ignited ones.

12 Days of Christmas - Breakfast

Family traditions are steep when it comes to food. Growing up in San Diego, especially in my teen years our Christmas traditions for food was as follows: the morning usually began with coffee and it was hard to wake up because there were many years that we attended midnight services. We would often have a session of gift opening while the breakfast cooked and by the time it was ready the whole house smelled like sausage casserole. We would get to eat many helpings while cleaning up the wrapping paper. Then after everything was tidy, we would begin to set up, assemble, or otherwise 'play' with the new things we just were gifted. Magically (and I say magically because I don't ever remember helping) there would be deli platters set out on our table with all sorts of cheese, bread and meats to make sandwiches. These trays would stay all day long along with platters of home made cookies. I really appreciated the all day feast situation because I could invite my friends to stop by any time, people came and went all afternoon. The cooking was minimal having all been prepared beforehand. The cookies included the coconut haystacks, herseys kisses snickerdoodles, powdered sugar nusse balls, and butterscotch bars! 

I saw recently a TV show about how to preserve recipes that were hand written onto tea towels. What a clever idea! Below is an image of my mom's handwritten version of our family breakfast casserole. It has now been passed on to my daughter and she makes this for her circle and I couldn't feel more love in the tradition moving on....yum and thank you to all the moms and dads that share special treats at this time of year.

12 Days of Christmas - Legacy

What will you leave behind when you die? Ouch! I know that is a morbid thought...but I will tell you a story that is relative to Christmas. When my dad passed, he had in his car, an arm rest from our patio chair set. It had broken and he had loaded it up to take it to the hardware store to find the right size wood to repair it. He was busy 'replacing and repairing' for our family until the moment he died.

When Greg's grandma Lenore passed away, I was invited to her apartment to see if there was anything I wanted to retrieve for keepsake. Here's a couple things I found and my heart was moved to keep; I found a nutcracker. The nutcracker had a missing boot.  Somehow that nutcracker reminded me of my childhood and I took him home with me and ever since then, I have collected nutcrackers, and it all started with the bootless one. The other thing I found, was her Christmas cards, stationary and some poems. One of the poems I found moved me a great deal. You see, Grandma Lenore wasn't on the top of anyone's friends list, but I believe in her last days she longed for family and love; that poem reminded me that Christmastime is the best time to reach out to others- marginalized, friendless, depressed and lonely. My heart remembers this every time I read the poem and I have shared it many times over the years.....I am glad this was the legacy I discovered:

"Christmas Eve" (a poem)

The door is on the latch tonight,
The hearth-fire is a glow
I seem to hear soft passing feet-
The Christchild in the snow.

My heart is open wide tonight
For stranger Kith or kin;
I would not bar a single door
Where love might enter in.

12 Days of Christmas - Greetings

I have a notebook that contains the Christmas letters I have written over the years, some are a whole page and some are just photocards. I think the farthest back I go is 1990! There are some years missing and some years I have multiple different photocards. I have saved the last Christmas card I received from my mom, and keep it with the Nativity set - it is super special. Since the days of social media, it seems that sending a postal 'Greeting Card' may be on the way out of fashion. No need for that annual letter to sum the year up - since many post regularly about what is going on in our lives. I have to admit that is an easy way to catch up with friends that live far away or are only in contact with via social media. We still enjoy receiving cards and our family still hangs them on the wall at Christmas. I admit, I save my cards for the whole year and only 'retire' them once I begin the next year's batch. Since this year I am only sending a few cards (I am sending cards to those who still send cards...) I will post what I wrote in my note for this year as one of my '12 Days' musings:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2020!

Greg suggested that I write a note that says, “Nothing has changed this year, so we don’t have much to write…” He is funny! I would love to announce that our family is growing! In the photo below you see Harriett celebrating Birthdays with Linda and Darrell – She is Ben’s fiancée! Ben and “Harry” have not set a wedding date yet, but I am really looking forward to having a daughter-in-law!

Veronica and Jason are living and working in Western Washington…much of my family is there now, in fact, all of my siblings are there except my sister Cindy, who lives in South Carolina. I have made many trips up to visit Seattle and the area this year!

We wish you the very best life has to offer, and an abundance of courage and strength when the journey is challenging, and faith and joy to keep on! Take care of each other!

Peace and blessings always – From Greg Murray and family

Pat, Ben, Veronica, and Harry and Jason, too!

I chose this photo to accompany our greeting this year because I love how good Darrell and Linda look! Ageless! AND that is Harry - our newest family member, celebrating right along with Mom and Dad! Such a sweet and joyful memory - and I so look forward to the many more memories to come!

12 Days of Christmas - Darkness

Last Night I rode my mountain bike on a dark ride. As I grow older, it becomes harder to see in low light situations and those moment punctuate aging eyes, aging body...time passing. It was cold and it was a challenge to stay motivated to keep pedaling. I thought about how I celebrate the solstice each year, and in fact, Twelfth Night, by William Shakespeare, is about the Christmas season ending in the changing of the length of days. (That hearkens to the title of my blog!)

Creator:David Michael Bellis

Copyright:Blue Rockfox Productions

Isaiah 9:2 The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.

When I consider these words, they bring a great comfort to me. Without darkness, we do not know the aid of light. Without cold, we do not know the warmth of the heat. I am always turning on extra lights in my house and maybe that is because I can't see well, but maybe it is another way I am reminding myself I need the light for freedom - to move, to progress. Have you ever suddenly had a power outage? You freeze for the moment because you are blinded with darkness! This is how the Christmas season is for me - it helps me recognize that I need a leader and a healer to be mobilized. Enjoy the dawn this day and allow the light in your heart to grow!

12 Days of Christmas - Travel

This year, for the first time since 1991, our kids are both away from home. When I learned this was happening, I bought a flight to Seattle. We spent the day with Greg's family on Christmas Day and Veronica set up a Whatsapp three way between Ben, herself and my phone and that was awesome!

12 Days of Christmas - The Virgin

A grateful heart today have I, a simple 'yes' was her reply. "Be done to me as you request, and with great love a savior blessed."

My heart is full. My eyes are open, my spirit is whole. 

12 Days of Christmas - Lifesavers

At the holidays, sometimes family can be abusive and use gatherings as opportunities to express a dissatisfaction with others.

I try to share positive experiences and memories. In this story, I am sharing a Murray family classic about how someone acting mean was actually an opportunity for another to act beautifully generous and gracious! It is often the case that there are family favorites...you know a favorite aunt, favorite son, daughter or grandchild. Adults sometimes unashamedly show that through the gifts given at Christmas (or not given). In our current world of social media it can be displayed even more easily, but that is for another blog entry.

One Christmas, Greg was given a box of lifesavers. It was one of those storybooks, like with 4 rolls of candy in two halves. Greg was a young boy, probably under 7 years old and while his cousins were enjoying the many gifts they had-fancy toys they were engaged with, he opened his candy and went to every family member in the room and offered some of his gift to all. Linda, Greg's mom relates this story proudly because she was pleased with Greg's gratitude at such a young age. She felt that he was so innocent, he wasn't aware of the slight handed to him through the Lifesavers candy book. Today while shopping with my daughter I asked her if she has seen any lifesavers storybooks...she knows this story. That small box of candy represents gratitude to our family. Gift giving isn't always easy! But I pray this year that all givers and receivers have hearts of love that always find joy in the exchange!

12 Days of Christmas - Angels

I have written about Angels before. I have a collection of angel knick-knacks and collectables. The fascination with the angel is something I have possessed for as long as I can remember. Today I encountered a statue of Michael, the Archangel. As I looked on, I said the prayer in my heart...and when I came across the part of the prayer that says 'cast into Hell all the evil spirits that roam the world seeking ruin of souls...' The angel, Michael, is always depicted with a great breast place and sword.  As I stood in front of the statue, this thought occurred to me: What if there are no evil spirits, just tormented people that create Hell for themselves through darkness and sin? Certainly there is discussion about the existence of Heaven and Hell and I can't deny, I believe that there is a final judgement. At Mass today the priest said, don't ever try to comprehend the extent of God's mercy. God wants you to live in heaven, and now, while on Earth, have peace. There are angels. We are the angels, to each other. When we are kind, we are an angel. Does that mean when we are bad, we are devils? The virgin mary told the children she has appeared to over the years, that Christmastime is the period the greatest number of souls enter heaven. Is it because when we are kind, we create Heaven on Earth. Saint Michael, share Christmas with me this year!

12 Days of Christmas - Entertaining

I was asking a friend about their family Christmas traditions and hoping to find inspiration for my next blog entry, but he told me instead about some trauma that happened when he was 3....yes, the holidays can bring out trauma for little ones as adults are doing their best adulting, sometimes they fall short. It made me wonder about how far back I could remember the holidays at our house (certainly not as far back as 3 years old) and I can remember decoration traditions pretty far back. One decoration in particular I remember is a santa seat cover that had Santa on the top and when the seat was lifted/open the same Santa face had his eyes cover with his mittens! It was so cute!

Our family did a lot of entertaining! My military family held luxurious house parties and I remember always the smell of coffee in the early morning hours (yes these parties went after midnight very often) and I remember seeing the pastries my mom would put out for her guests with the coffee to help them get home safely after having imbibed quite a bit of alcohol and gourmet foods. I remember the appetizers she used to make (bell pepper and cheddar cheese toast) and I remember silly games (cha-cha-cha train?) and I have been told about the 'great omnipotent' with the sheet. (My mom told me that story! How guests would be put under a sheet and told to take off the least valuable thing they had on -- some people took off watches, then some took of clothing....HA HA they were supposed to take off the sheet!)  Holiday entertaining is fabulous and overwhelming at the same time - be soulful and mind your own stress! I still don't know how my mom did all of it!

12 Days of Christmas; JOY

Psalm 98:4 - JOY! Gaudate - Rejoice!

If you know me well, I have said (in the last 10 years or so) that my job on the planet is to be joyful.

Sometimes its easy to just keep to myself and disengage but then, sometimes, some thing inside of me longs for laughter and child-like delight! I love the sound of JOY and I love it when I can exchange JOY and joyful energy with kindred spirits.

It takes a bit of practice to choose joy - I was created this way, but it is up to me to stay tuned into that part of me that is such a great gift from God, a joyful heart! The name of this blog is resulted in the revelation that my job, if nothing else on the planet, is to bring joy to hearts, including my own. My daughter's middle name is Joy, and yes, she is a great source of Joy to me and that namesake was because of a presentation I heard entitled 'How's your Joy?' It was a keynote at my husband's high school reunion. For truly, there is no greater joy than realizing the love of God! When I see smiles on the faces of my friends, I think to myself - this must be what heaven is like!

Bring your joy this holiday, the more you share, the greater the gift!

Apogee

A delighted heart today have I, and here's the simple reason why
as one door closes, another swings wide
the sky is dancing an apogee's tide.

The air is thick of anise and sage
footfalls quicken to mount this stage

In tandem bright-moon fully rising
in echo, the sunset turns descending.

Recording the vision, a treasure sacred -
in wonder and awe, my prayer's created.

Sacred Independance

Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?

While Jesus hung on the cross he called out to his father and asked; "Why have you forgotten me?"

When I meditate on that I consider how close these two were. The relationship between father and son, between creator and creation is as close as any relationship can get. This particular relationship is extremely special; it IS indivisible, and in fact, the Holy Trinity indicates that the relationship between father, son and spirit is one in the same person - there is no greater intimacy in existence.

So even at the moment of great pain and trouble, a loving relationship is allowed to be severed, crushed and allowed to perish.

The omnipotent Father knew the greatest sacrifice known on Earth had to take place - independently.

This sacred independence was a blessing; the savior was demonstrating how to stand alone, to give alone, to be at liberty to make that gift of self.

There have been times in my life when I have grown, moved forward, made progress in being the best version of myself I was created to be. When I reflect on those times of progress, it has never been at a glamorous time, surrounded by friends and stardust in a sanitized place, it has been at the darkest, ugliest moments - moments of sorrow, shame. The people in my life that helped me the most, were the people who abandoned me - they walked away and allowed me to stand up or continue to fall. This may seem cruel, but in my personal experience, it was a great gift of empowerment.

Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?  Father, why have you abandoned me?

Learning to stand on my own, care for myself, and learn who I wanted to be, took place at the times when I learned 'its okay to be me - even in failures, even with shortcomings....I am okay and I mean to be the best version of "me" I was created to be'.

I recently saw the movie Bohemian Rhapsody and in the movie one of the characters, living life with abandon and gluttony, had a conversation with someone that truly loved him. That person was quoted as saying "Come back and see me when you learn to love yourself".

How do we learn to love and accept who we are? It is a question that I reflected on today and the answer in my heart took me to the greatest day of Sacred Independence ever known on Earth.

God loved us. God created us. If we cannot learn to accept and love ourselves, we are telling the creator that we know better than He does. If we cannot learn that 'its okay to be who we are' than how can we ask anyone else to accept and love us?

Of course, God's love is perfect. We are not perfect. I am not perfect, you are not perfect. We do not communicate perfectly, and certainly don't have it all figured out yet (and probably won't have it figured out until we are 'over the rainbow' with God).

Our job is to be kind, seek first to understand, and have sacred independence.  If we cannot love ourselves, relying on someone else to love us will leave us feeling empty. I believe that when we are able to accept ourselves as human, and accept others for what they are; human, we will find the greatest love, peace, and mobility to progress in our journey here.

Learning to love is step one, loving with perfection...that is the journey. 

Peroid.Gets.Angry

I was reading a couple articles lately about punctuation in social media and I was intrigued.

The reason I was reading these articles was that I was confused about recent texts, chats, and Facebook comments that included periods instead of exclamations or nothing at all. I have a relative that uses two periods .. instead of one after every sentence and a double space. I get really confused about whether or not this person meant to put three, as in an ellipsis ... or whether or not they had a stutter on a cell phone communication or what it was. The fact is, this person uses the double dot .. almost all the time. So I just wrote it off as 'their way'.

There are other confusing punctuation marks that pop up in social media posts all the time, one of which is the period.between.words.

This usage also confuses me as it creates hyperlinks on text messages on my phone app and makes them message hard to even follow.  So I researched this and sure enough, there are articles about punctuation and social media.

It is harder than ever to communicate in our world with less face-to-face time. We use our faces to express 90 percent of what we mean to say. Without our faces, there is a LOT left for interpretation!

I used an exclamation point there because I am anxious about that situation because I am trying to interpret the spirit of the message and its sincerity.

I strive for honest interactions and at the same time I try to be sensitive to the person I am communicating with. If I feel that what I need to say could be mistaken, I try not to use social media or text of any kind (email, SMS text, messaging etc.) and opt instead for the phone or a personal meeting.

Our society has been so greatly affected by social media and texting and the smart phone that I am flustered and lost when it comes to communication some times. I realize this is my problem and not the problem of everyone else. I want the people that I come across in my daily living to know its okay to be exactly who they are, and if they want to use extra punctuation they have the liberty to do so!

I am learning and growing to love and accept everyone as they are. All of this reflection because of mistaken communications? Yes, and its all worth it.

Here is a good article that describes what I have learned.

12 Days of Christmas - Happy Birthday

One year I remember hearing on a radio station something about Christmas being a big birthday party. It struck a cord in my heart...Why are we gathered together giving gifts? Some say we gather and give birthday gifts, other say we are imitating the wisemen in bringing the gifts to the babe Jesus.

A new family tradition was born at our house. I decided that every Christmas, for me, it was a birthday party. 'Twas the birthday of a king' is one of my favorite Christmas hymns. I am not sure when it came to be, but we started to hang a birthday banner on our tree on Christmas morning. That banner is not unlike the ones you buy at the party store and simply says "Happy Birthday". We hang it across our tree like garland. Many have asked us whose birthday we are celebrating, and while my nieces birthday is December 22nd, we always say we are celebrating Jesus' birthday at our house!
The banner I used this year was a hand-made one from a few years ago. It is as humble as the nativity.
I hope you are able to celebrate - however you celebrate. It is a time of joy! Imagine that chubby baby face...how healthy--how jubilant, how hopeful....these are the things I wish for every Christmas.

12 Days of Christmas - Silly String

We are silly - yeah, we have fun and act stupid. On one particular Christmas morning, Ben had gotten Spiderman web shooting gloves and the kids had a blast covering each other with 'web', which was silly string. Ever since that Christmas, (I think it was around 2001) we have had 'silly string' as the inauguration of our morning. We continue to still have this tradition for the start of the Christmas morning (yes, even as adults)! This ritual often takes us outside into the cold yard in pajamas. In the photo to the right, (about 2010) you will see that we did not go outside that Morning! (It is actually very easy to clean up silly string with the vacuum.)

In lots of ways, its fun to consider the simple wonder and joy children have at Christmas. Christmas is toys and happiness for children. It give us an excuse to play even when we grow up. Greg and I give each other at least one toy every Christmas to perpetuate this sentiment.

I have brought the 'silly string' tradition to other families...This year JC's family and Allen and I played 'silly string tag' in front of their house. I just love the simplest of joys at Christmas.

12 Days of Christmas - Winter Solstice

Close your eyes, be still.
Abandon the moment
Feel your breath, your heart in silence
allow a peace to grow inside.
Slowly, calmly in a regal way, lift up your eyes and see
there is peace, yes, it's here -
at this most precious time of year.

Happy Solstice
A blessed Christmas
a Joyful Season,
no matter what you celebrate...
celebrate YOU,
and know you are a divine gift!

12 Days of Christmas - Teachers

Not ready to take the exam? In my educational career, I have asked two times to delay taking a test; once with my German Teacher in High School and once with my Social Statistics Teacher at the university.

Jose Malvern Weill was an excellent German teacher and helped my family even after I graduated. He split his German Language class period time between German I, II, & III. Since I was the only Level III student, my curriculum was self-paced. Together, we set target goals to cover vocabulary and learning and I also mentored the other students.

One time I came to class knowing I had an exam, after the first couple of questions, I became aware that I had not prepared enough for the exam. I announced to Mr. Weill; "I am not ready" and he immediately closed his book, and collected my paper. No questions, no hesitation and rescheduled.

My holiday card for Mr. Weill was returned to me this year, with the word 'DECEASED' written on it.

The only other time I have implored a special consideration for an exam delay was at SDSU. It was my FINAL EXAM for a Statistics class. I had some pretty serious social issues going on and while I had actually attended most of the lectures, I was not ready for the final exam. I went to class on the day of the exam and asked the teacher before he entered the classroom "Can I please take the final exam with one of your other sections of STATS that meet later in the week?" He told me 'no' but he was willing to give me an appointment for an 'office hours' administration of the final exam. I was extremely relieved and humbled that he gave me that allowance.  I don't know how I did on the final exam, but at least I did pass the class. Having that class credit was actually a lynch-pin for the degree I would eventually get later in life. I am no mathematician.

Not prepared? Most of us are not... for anything. We can push on anyway. Advent is a preparation time. How am I preparing to be able to push on? I need and want to focus on my job for being here on this planet; To be joyful. The first part of that job is completed - I have addressed some physical pain. I was never aware more of how much impact pain has on every day interactions. Its hard to be joyful when we are hurting. Same goes for all kinds of pain or heartache, heartbreaks and sorrow. Hurt people, hurt people. I am not prepared for joy today, but I will remember that when I am hurt by environment, or physical limitations, my hurt should not hurt others.
I thank those teachers - they made a difference for my life. I watched the latest Star Wars movie and the best line in the movie, I think, is this: Mistakes are the best teachers. Yes, I am grateful for mistakes. I also hope to prepare my heart for the exuberant joy, the overflowing joyfulness, that it was made to feel and bring to this planet. Christmas is a great time to prepare.