What My Catholic Faith Means to Me

When I pause long enough to reflect on my Catholic faith, what rises first isn’t a list of doctrines or rules—it’s a sense of grounding. My faith is the quiet thread woven through the rhythm of my everyday life, sometimes obvious, sometimes subtle, but always present. It shapes the way I see the world and the way I try to move through it.

There are moments when my faith feels like a steady hand on my shoulder. In times of uncertainty or stress, I find myself returning to prayer almost instinctively—not always formal prayer, but small conversations with God throughout the day. Those moments remind me that I’m not navigating life alone. Even when I don’t have clear answers, I feel held by something larger than myself.

I remember how connected I felt with the Blessed Virgin Mary as my friend Lené and I would climb up to the statue (over the kneeler at Holy Trinity in El Cajon) and place a scapular or rosary in her hand.

I was so involved with the Legion of Mary that I took a pigrimage in 1990 to Međugorje (Yugoslavia) to the place of apparitions. I was such a loser at that time in my life, but I felt that I was able to leave a lot of evil behind and desired very badly to start over - my Mom gave me $500 to pay for some of the travel and my husband wrote a poem to commemorate that trip. It was a very special faith forming time in my life. 

My faith also influences how I treat people. The teachings I grew up with—compassion, forgiveness, dignity, service—aren’t abstract ideals. They show up in the way I listen to others, the patience I try to offer, and the choices I make when no one is watching. I don’t always get it right, but my faith nudges me toward becoming a more generous and attentive version of myself.

There have been times when I’ve felt especially connected to God, often in unexpected places: recently when I asked for help of clarity during a difficult decision I had to make, my prayers were answered with a confidence in the direction I was to take. I definitely felt like there was a much bigger picture that I wasn't fully aware of that God had in mind for me. In reflection, I think that often God reveals a path to me that leads me AWAY from sin, so, whenever I do take the path that I didn't plan all myself, I always feel that God is with me - especially when that part of my journey seems to be a steady uphill climb. 

My faith challenges me.  It invites me to trust when trusting feels hard, to forgive when forgiveness feels impossible, and to hope even when the world feels heavy. These challenges aren’t signs of weakness—they’re signs that my faith is alive, still shaping me, still calling me forward.

Recently I felt hopeless. That feeling felt sinful. I am a daughter of a king. I have no needs. Sometimes I think that I am on my own to 'make things happen' and then, out of nowhere, I am reminded that all I need to do is believe - have faith and trust. The recent struggle I have had presented me with an opportunity to ask for forgiveness. I have struggled when I need to ask for forgiveness for something I didn't feel was my doing, but 2025 presented me with some profound opportunities to let past ghosts fade away completely through forgiving and asking forgiveness. I have been trying to forgive myself as well as forgive others. I have asked for grace to feel true contrition and let go of past hurts. I am almost there - again, what has 2025 brought to me? It has given me a chance to heal and resolve to do better.

Ultimately, my Catholic faith gives me a sense of purpose. It reminds me that my life is connected to something meaningful, something sacred. It helps me understand who I am, what I value, and what I am worth. It’s not perfect, and neither am I, but it continues to guide me, comfort me, and inspire me in ways I’m still discovering.

I have often said to myself and others, "I am an imperfect person that loves conditionally. God is perfect and loves perfectly." This is not an excuse for shortcomings, but a statement of resolve and humility. We were created in the likeness and image of God - and I have learned that means we can love almost with the same perfection as the creator. 'To love unconditionally' would mean to be patient and kind, forgiving and joyful. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. To me, this is a challenge to stay positive, joyful and "see" the goodness in our lives. 

I feel like one of the other things that 2025 has 'given' to me is the chance to see the terrible things going on around me and the opportunity to discern what is important and what is not - what is real and what is a distraction. I don't mean to say that I 'turn a blind eye', but I mean to say that I have had many opportunities to forgive and be understanding - not only with others, but with myself.  It also gives me the opportunity to speak up or not, and know when holding my tougne is more effective to bring about change than calling out wrongs. Learning how to 'care just a little bit less' is difficult. I am still such a novice. 

12 Days - Waiting

It seems as though I have been waiting for the 'end' of many things for some time now. This year has brought about lots of 'final' things, but I still find myself feeling like I'm in purgatory, punished ...waiting. l missed the first Sunday in Advent this year, but was extremely fortunate in that I didn't have to wait 3 hours at a train station. An angel allowed me to, not only get on an early train, but I was offered the first class car. 

So it was hours later, laying in bed searching youtube for a Mass to watch, where I found time with God and a profound message as I drifted in and out of consciousness, the homily was all about - waiting -.

I cried listening to that message that just told me to wait. 

I've never been so good at that, and definitely failed waiting gracefully this year. 

It's not uncanny that over the last few months I've been learning bread-making. This is definitely a task that involves waiting.

Especially sour-dough...we wait for the yeast to grow, that can take a week. We wait for the flour and water to autolyse, that takes an hour. We wait for the dough to come together . . . stretch and fold . . . 4 hours. We proof or bench rest for four more hours or overnight. Then finally we bake...and that is one of the quickest parts of the process! The darkest hour is just before the dawn - 

That phrase — “the darkest hour is just before the dawn” — is a metaphor rather than a literal observation of nature. It’s meant to capture a universal human experience:

• Hope after hardship: It suggests that even when circumstances feel most difficult, relief or improvement is often close at hand.
• Cycles of struggle and renewal: Just as night inevitably gives way to morning, periods of despair or challenge often precede growth, healing, or success.

12 Days - Repentance

Contrition, regret, sorrow, culpability...I was searching for a more descriptive word that illustrates changing directions in terms of bad habits and selfish short sided choices, but repentance is really the only word that describes what we are called to do this second Sunday in Advent. Wait, prepare, anticipate, and rejoice! What ways do I need to repent? There are so many...but the second part of repentance is conversion. What steps will I take to change and make a meaningful and permanent change?

This December I sent a letter of apology and asked for forgiveness, but I don't think I really have a handle on how I can move towards being a better person. 

Repentance means feeling genuine sorrow for wrongdoing and making a sincere commitment to change. It’s not just regret—it involves turning away from harmful actions and moving toward better choices.

In relationships, repentance often involves both words (apology) and actions (changed behavior). 

Why It Matters

• Personal growth: Repentance helps people learn from mistakes.
• Healing relationships: It rebuilds trust when paired with accountability.
• Spiritual renewal: In faith traditions, it’s often seen as the path to forgiveness and transformation.

In short, repentance is more than feeling sorry—it’s about recognizing wrongs, experiencing genuine remorse, and actively choosing a better way forward.

When I am no Longer a Daughter

When my mom passed away it was life-changing. I became an orphan. I no longer had parents on the planet.

My Dad had passed away 30+ years prior and there was a huge reunion in heaven - at least that was the sentiment of my siblings.

Yesterday in prayer, the priest asked me if he could pray a blessing over me. It was something very special when he called me 'daughter' in his prayer. I was a daughter? It seemed so strange to even ponder that I was once a daughter, but now . . . I didn't think I was until the words were said: "Lord, protect your daughter"

I felt like I was newly adopted. It's been a while since I've felt like I belonged and beloved. At that moment, in that prayer, I received a special message to remember my vocation as a daughter of God and all that I inherit in His grace with my co-creator parents. This status transcends space and time. I am a daughter, again, and, still.

Contempt Prior to Investigation

[There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is "contempt prior to investigation."]

I like what is written here and experience this a lot. I can relate this concept to another idea that the enemy of Love is indifference. People simply stop caring about the facts of issues that they decide are not important to them. Sometimes, in my opinion, they are choosing to stop caring because the situation/issue hurt them physically or emotionally and it is a protection/defense (such as hiding your head in the sand when you can't stomach learning about an illness or anything so bad you don't think you can handle - this is denial, keeping yourself in the dark on purpose or numbing yourself from feeling something about a person or condition of society.) other times the 'contempt prior to investigation' is the failure of a person to understand the difference between belief and rational arguments. Check out this position: http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/

Don't argue about belief, argue about arguments

The essence of a belief is that we own it, regardless of what's happening around us. If you can be easily swayed by data, then it's not much of a belief.

On the other hand, the key to making a rational argument is that your assertions must befalsifiable.

"I believe A because of B and C." If someone can show you that "C" isn't actually true, then it's not okay to persist in arguing "A".

The statement, "All swans are white" is falsifiable, because if I can find even one black swan, we're done.

On the other hand, "The martians are about to take over our city with 2,000 flying saucers," is not, because there's nothing I can do or demonstrate that would satisfy the person who might respond, "well, they're just very well hidden, and they're waiting us out."

If belief in "A" is important to someone's story, people usually pile up a large number of arguments that are either not testable, or matters of opinion and taste. There's nothing wrong with believing "A", but it's counterproductive to engage with someone in a discussion about whether you're right or not. It's a belief, or an opinion, both of which are fine things to have, but it's not a logical conclusion or a coherent argument, because those require asserting something we can actually test.

The key question is, "is there something I can prove or demonstrate that would make you stop believing in 'A'?" If the honest answer is 'no', then we're not having an argument, are we?

Before we waste a lot of time arguing about something that appears to be a rational, logical conclusion, let's be sure we are both having the same sort of discussion.

12 Days - The Christmas Tree

 

12 Days . . . Extended New Traditions

https://www.thetableindy.org/epiphany-tradition-chalking-of-the-door/

12 Days - Simbang Gambi, Parols, and Ang Pasko ay Sumapit

Simbang Gambi is a Novena right before Christmas! I attended my first one this year. "Simbang Gabi" translates to "Night Mass" in English, and is a Filipino Catholic tradition of attending nine consecutive dawn masses in the days leading up to Christmas, essentially a Christmas Novena; it is also sometimes called "Misa de Gallo" (Mass of the Rooster) due to the early morning timing.

Ang Pasko ay Sumapit - We have a beautiful tradition in our local community (which has quite a large filipino majority) to sing this happy joyful song with clapping at the end of the Mass at Christmas!

Our family loves it and we I have tried to learn and adopt some of the beautiful cultures all around me.

Here are the lyrics: Ang Pasko ay Sumapit 

Ang Pasko ay sumapit Tayo ay mangagsiawit
Ng magagandang himig Dahil sa Diyos ay pag-ibig

Nang si Kristo'y isilang May tatlong haring nagsidalaw
At ang bawat isa Ay nagsipaghandog ng tanging alay

Bagong taon ay magbagong-buhay Nang lumigaya ang ating bayan
Tayo'y magsikap upang makamtan natin ang kasaganahan

Tayo'y mangagsiawit Habang ang mundo'y tahimik
Ang araw ay sumapit Sa sanggol na dulot ng langit

Tayo ay magmahalan Ating sundin ang gintong aral
At magbuhat ngayon kahit hindi pasko ay magbigayan

Bagong taon ay magbagong-buhay Nang lumigaya ang ating bayan
Tayo'y magsikap upang makamtan natin ang kasaganahan

Tayo'y mangagsiawit Habang ang mundo'y tahimik
Ang araw ay sumapit Sa sanggol na dulot ng langit

Tayo ay magmahalan Ating sundin ang gintong aral
At magbuhat ngayon kahit hindi pasko ay magbigayan

--Translation by Google --

Christmas has come We will sing Of beautiful tunes Because God is love When Christ was born
Three kings visited And each other He offered the only offering New year is a new life
When our people were happy
Let's work hard so that we can achieve abundance
Let's sing While the world is silent

The day came To the baby born of heaven We will love each other Let's follow the golden lesson
And lift up today even if it's not Christmas to give!

New year is a new life When our people were happy
Let's work hard so that we can achieve abundance

Let's sing While the world is silent The day came To the baby born of heaven
Let's follow the golden lesson
And lift up today even if it's not Christmas to give

https://youtu.be/kSDTTRWYvfk?si=sLtz2WtOYi4GlX1D

https://youtu.be/xPP2_4y8HAo?si=44askKTdrL9_QwR1

I even try to make the beautiful parols (lanterns) I think they are beautiful and represent the star and the tail that the wisemen followed to Bethlehem.

12 Days Sacred Geometry and Faith

I also feel that sacred geometry is fascinating – how our natural world creates beautiful mathematical perfection! The snowflake is one demonstration of that! Here’s some info that I like about sacred geometry https://destinationdeluxe.com/sacred-geometry-explained-healing-benefits/

Ice crystals: (Some people feel that these experiments are false, and certainly, they may be, but I do like the idea that what we say and the vibe we send to the universe (or at least our part of it) matters in deeper ways than we know!

I also heard about https://youtu.be/1qQUFvufXp4?si=hZOu0UbbOwx9AG1N

According to Masaru Emoto, your consciousness affects the molecular structure of water. “As energy vibrates through water, it also affects your body. If the energy in your body is negative, it creates unpleasant crystals, but if it’s positive, beautiful crystals form. By understanding the role of different vibrations in your life, you can learn to control the waves around you. Your goal is to be happy, successful, and at peace. To achieve positive results, you have to identify the activities and people that bring positivity into your life. People that encourage, motivate and love you bring positive vibrations. However, people that condemn you and continuously cause you pain are sources of negative vibrations in your life. It’s also essential for you to think about your thoughts. Self-love, appreciation, good feeding habits and being well-groomed are all feelings or habits that bring positive vibrations in your life…”

Snow crystals are also very vunerable. It reminds me of the verse James 4:14, which states, "You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away".

I have combined my love of sacred geometry in our natural world and the order of life with my Christian faith in a tattoo my friend, Kris Kezar, (a Grossmont College RN graduate) created with me.

The Chi-Rho is a symbol that represents Christ and his followers and is often accompanied by the Alpha and Omega, which are also symbols used by Christians. The symbol is a monogram of the first two letters of the Greek word for Christ, chi (X) and rho (P).  Historically the Chi-Rho was used in early Christianity as a sign of recognition during times of persecution. The Chi-Rho was used by the Roman Emperor Constantine the Great in 312 AD on his military standard, the Labarum. Constantine placed the Chi-Rho on his soldiers' shields and banners after seeing it in a dream. The Chi-Rho is still used in churches around the world today. 

Take care and enjoy this beautiful season!

Gaudate Sunday - JOY

 I attended Mass - the Third Sunday of Advent Gaudatte Sunday.
I was so moved by the homily, I felt I just needed a copy...although, I didn't have my phone, I noticed our pastor put his copy of the words in the ambo. I waited for everyone to leave, then slipped up onto the sanctuary and 'borrowed' it. I figured, I would just ask for permission, but when I got outside I noticed that he was busy blessing a woman and there was a line of people. I figured I could be back with it before he would even be done....well I don't know if that was the case, *but I did take it home, photograph it and here it is. I put the original back into the ambo with about 15 minutes to go for the next Mass. I have highlighted below things that really spoke to me. After all one of my favorite Bible versus is Philippians 4:8, which says "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.". To me, these are joyful things - happy thoughts. There was a recording of the Mass, and yeah there I am....at 58:12 getting the papers. I ask forgiveness for this.

https://venue.streamspot.com//video/35f73f2693  --- Homily is at 10:00 into the celebration.

Reading I Zep 3:14-18a
    Shout for joy, O daughter Zion!
        Sing joyfully, O Israel!
    Be glad and exult with all your heart,
        O daughter Jerusalem!
The LORD has removed the judgment against you he has turned away your enemies; the King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst, you have no further misfortune to fear.
On that day, it shall be said to Jerusalem: Fear not, O Zion, be not discouraged!
The LORD, your God, is in your midst, a mighty savior; he will rejoice over you with gladness, and renew you in his love, he will sing joyfully because of you, as one sings at festivals.

Reading II Phil 4:4-7
Brothers and sisters: Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again:  rejoice!
Your kindness should be known to all.
The Lord is near.
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Gospel Lk 3:10-18
The crowds asked John the Baptist, “What should we do?”
He said to them in reply,
“Whoever has two cloaks should share with the person who has none. And whoever has food should do likewise.”
Even tax collectors came to be baptized and they said to him, “Teacher, what should we do?”
He answered them, “Stop collecting more than what is prescribed.” Soldiers also asked him, “And what is it that we should do?” He told them, “Do not practice extortion, do not falsely accuse anyone, and be satisfied with your wages.”

Now the people were filled with expectation, and all were asking in their hearts whether John might be the Christ.
John answered them all, saying, “I am baptizing you with water, but one mightier than I is coming.
I am not worthy to loosen the thongs of his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. His winnowing fan is in his hand to clear his threshing floor and to gather the wheat into his barn, but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire.” Exhorting them in many other ways,
he preached good news to the people.

HOMILY* December 15th 3rd Sunday of Advent, Year C

The first two readings remind me of Bob Marley's famous song, "Three Little Birds". If you're not familiar, the line, "Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing gonna loe
alright", is basically the entire song. "Shout for joy, Be glad and exult, fear not" says the first reading, and, "Rejoice. Have no anxiety at all" says the second reading. Maybe your spouse, your parents, or your friends tell you that, "Don't worry about it. It'll all work out. We'll be fine. It's not that bad." If you're like me, sometimes hearing people tell me that when I'm stressed out and anxious simply adds anger and frustration to my anxiety and worry. Yet, here we are, on Gaudete Sunday, and the Church is basically singing this Bob Marley song to us through the Scriptures. Rather than simply dismiss the call to be joyful, thankful, and at peace, maybe we can first take an honest look at what causes our anxiety, anger, or restlessness. Perhaps we've been spending a lot of time comparing ourselves to others as we get closer to Christmas: "Why can't my family look happy like that family? Why do their children like to go to church but mine don't? If only I could afford nice gifts for my family like them, then I would be at peace." Comparison is the thief of joy. Comparison takes our eyes off of what God has blessed us with, and makes us obsessed with things we think will make us happier. First of all, we don't know what other people are going through. As a priest who counsels many different people and hears many confessions, no family is completely free of wounds, tragedy, or sin. My family definitely is not, and sometimes Christmas would expose our wounds even more. Secondly, if you find yourself constantly comparing yourself and your family to others, bring that to the Father in prayer. It's okay to be honest with Him, He isn't going to scoff at the things you want. However, be prepared for Him to answer your prayers in a way that will make you holy, not necessarily in a way that will make you instantly happy. Holiness is what brings true joy, because holiness is intimacy and friendship with God. If we're particularly anxious and worried this time of year, might I suggest we begin by naming our fears. What are you afraid of? Being judged as not good enough or inadequate? Feeling lonely or abandoned? People finding out who you really are? Are you afraid of feeling excluded or forgotten? Are you staring to fear death? Are you afraid of losing a connection with someone close to you, either physically or emotionally? Remember what the Word of God says:
"There is no fear in Love, but perfect love drives out fear" 1 John 4:18. We might think sometimes we need God's strength and power to make fear go away. But, if the fear is something deeper in our hearts, and it resonates more like an insecurity, perhaps we need more of the Father's love than anything. Perhaps we need to hear the Father tell us, "I am not hear to judge you and I love who you really are because I made you. Don't forget that every soul you love, including yours, belongs first and foremost to me." Let the Father's love quiet your fears, and calm your anxiety. Let your countless "What if's" become "Even if's". Even if this or that happens, I have the Father 's love and He promised to never abandon us. Perhaps beneath some of that anger and resentment that we've been feeling is really just sadness. We've been reacting angrily not because of particular behaviors or situations, but because we are sad that there wasn't love where there was supposed to be love. Maybe we feel cheated by God or by someone who was supposed to love us unconditionally. It's not too late to bring your hurting heart to Jesus. Or, if you feel like you're becoming angry because you're the only one who cares, cast your cares on Him because He cares for you, 1 Peter 5 :7. Come to Jesus, and hear Him tell you that you were never meant to carry all of those burdens and expectations on yourself. Bring those times when love was lacking in your Jife to Jesus, and let Him be the one to love you - He's the one every heart is looking for in the end, anyway. If none of this feels applicable to you, then hopefully the Gospel at least will, because John the Baptist gives us some golden advice - get out of your own head and take care of someone else. Sometimes, we can be so self-absorbed about our own worries, our own image, or the false expectations that we place on ourselves, that we forget people around us are desperately in need of love, even in our own household. When the crowds, the tax collectors, and the soldiers asked John what they should do, John essentially said to stop treating people like they are a means for happiness and success. Treat people like they are made in the image of God, because they are. Don't be afraid of sacrificing some of your time and attention for someone else. Sometimes God even allows certain people to be in our lives to help us grow in holiness, even though we might think God put those people in our lives to torture·us. Think about Jesus, God literally put people in His life so they could torture and kill Him. Most of the time we 're not being tortured like Jesus, and we're really just torturing ourselves with our own self-preoccupation and anxiety about our futures. Place your future in God's hands, and try to find joy in becoming a gift to the people He put in your life. Maybe then, we'll start to feel like every little thing will be alright.

Attachments area

Preview YouTube video Bob Marley - Three Little Birds (Everything's Gonna Be Alright)

Bob Marley - Three Little Birds (Everything's Gonna Be Alright)

12 Days - Prayer

 

Christmas has always been a time of prayer - The word "Advent" comes from the Latin word 'adventus', which means "coming". As I begin the season of Advent, I think about parts of my life that have been touched by anything related to Christmas-tide. 

I thought about prayers. I remember hearing my grandparents pray night-time prayers. I heard them read a daily reflection (through the wall as I was falling asleep in the next room). I remember this was during a time that I visited, but I also remember hearing thier prayers in previous visits...as I would drift off to sleep. 

I thought about the many times I would hear my husband Greg whisper a prayer for our children when they were young. I don't know if he knows I heard him...again these were whispered prayers I would hear at the end of the day in the darkness of our bedroom. Hearing his prayers were so calming, yet so powerful and I prayed with him in silence. 

Over the last couple of years there have been a few times when I have sent a deperate prayer in the direction of the creator - I had been exhausted 'trying to figure it out' on my own and finally turned to God and asked . . . "what do I do?"  What is amazing but not amazing is that in each case, my prayer was answered, clearly and directly. I prayed with my heart and in my heart I would feel direction and calm, peace and love. I knew this was my God, the Spirit and father directing love to light the way for me.   

When I visited Medjugorie many years ago, I was gifted a prayer book called "Pray with the Heart". It was my companion for years, but now, well, I haven't looked at it recently. Greg wrote a poem for me for that trip - he sent me wishes for love and life on that pilgrimage journey.

Prayer is the conversation starter - prayer prepares the way for the relationship.

Advent is here! Make straight in the desert, a highway for our God!

The Sum of our Experiences

Recently I have had thoughts about listening to others during conversations. I cringe sometimes when I hear a group speaking to each other...there's no real discourse - there is only talking at each other. It really brings home the message in Brian Regan's comical skit about the man on the moon...its called "Dinner Party" and he explains how people are only out to 'out talk' each other. My daughter had a t-shirt that said "Listen and Silent" same letters? Coincidence? I love that! I am guilty of not listening. Social media has really created social self promotion in our current society. There are some ideas I have shared with my son and with a friend about our personal perspectives; we have talked about how our personal perspectives are 'the world to us'. There is an entertainer that has the catch phrase "I refuse your reality and will subsitute my own". I love that too! It's like when 4 people look at a dog, they may see 4 different things: 1. A companion 2. A threat 3. A noise maker/watcher 4. An extension of conscienceness These are all correct. I bite my cheek when I hear someone tell me 'how it is' about something. In my opinion there is not very often an instance of truth that is exactly the same for everyone. Are we the sum of our experiences? To person number 2 above in the dog example . . . maybe they were bitten by a dog and now have fear that is indistinquishable. Are we the sum of our experiences? I believe so, but at the same time I feel that we will never be able to define ourself soley on experiences, or define our value, purpose or worth, based on our experiences. So - life experience is very important and not so important. It is a true conflict in living. There are many people with a vast amount of education that know a world less than some others with lots of life experiences. There are many that live life fully, with a narrow and mean perspectives to others that are different than them. I like to believe that I am learning to love my perspectives while leaning into other's experiences. This is a difficult task. The word 'judgement' comes up. Anyway today was a mindfulness day. At one point during the day, I felt judgemental and devalued. I heard myself say "Dear God, please help me with some understanding and patience." It was kinda strange. I suddendly did not care so much about what was bothering me. I am the sum of my experiences, but I will not let past pain destroy a potentially great peace that is also inside of us all. That peace found me today, and I was so glad!

Red Envelopes

 Two, Four, Six, Eight

even numbers indicate

The year of the dragon

greetings take

our hopes and dreams

to

step through the gate

up the road

and 

down the trail

a life 

a love 

a joy

a journey

I wish to you double-yolk fortune

and lucky days

wonder

magical nights 

and miracles this year!

Mindfulness

A mindful heart today have I

living life with nothing to hide

brings about peace and less to prove

while living life with nothing to lose.

For always, desiderata prescribes

the way that we can truly thrive.

Sundowner Surfside - Taps

Long shadows and orange waters colors paint the late afternoon world. Seaside campfires fill my nostrils with a mixture of smokey-salty air. I inhale deeply. My being processes, spiritually and physically; the sights and smells as the distant rumble of waves give rhythmn to my moving meditation as I pedal southbound.  Day is done, gone the sun...all is well safely rest, God is nigh.

12 Days We find what we want to find

We create our own happiness and our own experiences by our searching for what we define as good and joyful. We will find ourselves in a place exactly as we imagined solely by looking for what we want. We are made for joy. The universe is exactly on time. We found a place to belong - where we were wanted.

12 Days of Christmas - Reflections

This year, 2021, I find myself unexpectedly with time home. A vacation was planned to travel overseas for my son’s nuptials, however, that plan changed. I don't think I have had this much time off from my job (consecutive days) for many years. This 'free time' has allowed me to reflect on the year 2021 and 2020. It is almost painful to think about the divided country and the politics of the pandemic we have been going through since March of 2020. 

I did not make any entries last Christmas - but did jot down some topics for thought. I am hopeful I will have enough focus, and slow down long enough to write. Pausing for anything is difficult for me (and my family). We were raised to define ourselves by how much 'we got done' during the day. Having a day with a non-agenda is very rare for me and whenever I can, I plan my time out several days, if not weeks, ahead. To some, this is an aggravation - to me it is the only thing I can do to keep peace. 

This year I was able to compile a photobook. I have been able to do that for the last 5 years. I was nudged by 'Google Photos' to create my reflection book using the photos in my account, and so I have. 

I chose also, this year, the title 'Wisdom' and included a few concepts from other blogs I follow. Last Year's book was title 'Hindsight' (in a nod to the 2020 concept). One of the ideas I feel that the year 2021 embodied was wisdom. 

Here is a thought from author Mark Mason - ". . . wisdom is the ability to allow a diversity of values and thoughts to emerge within your own mind, yet still be able to act despite them. 

I acknowledge that the last 20 months have been filled with discord and confusion. I thank God that He has opened my heart to the love from my friends and family. Decision paralysis can be healed and, in this way, new paths can be revealed. 

Light

Little Bird, yellow bird! Go towards the light! 

Caught inside, caught inside - restricting your flight!

To be calm, to be calm, sweeping dust from the lamps - 

I'll darken the room to brighten your path. 

 How did you get here, I wonder in panic!

Was this place brighter than the outside planet? 

Rest a bit allowing your heart beat to catch -

Perch
on the light fixture with tilted head cast. 

I know, I know! I'll darken the room!

To open the way

 knowing that you will take flight

 towards it without delay. 

Little bird, little bird, Go towards the light! 

Little bird, yellow bird, take wing and take flight!

Full of freedom, 

the grand world wide -

the sky is yours 

when 

not 

trapped 

inside.

12 Days of Christmas - Rolltop Desk

 One year while I was sorta still living at home (I say that because I was hardly ever at home) I remember there were no presents for me under our Christmas tree. Yeah, I was nervous because my mom and I had had a rough year  - the relationship was strained and I wasn't sure what was going to happen that year.

I would look there almost every day as I saw new packages pop up - the tags on the package never had my name. 

I was so happy I did finally get one gift! Yahoo! My heart was feeling better that maybe I would get some things after all and not be embarrased that I was going to be the 'kid punished' that year. 

I remember only 2 gifts; one I still have - it is a hand made stitch work of a frog with the phrase "Frogs are smart, they eat what bugs them".  

The other gift was a roll top desk. 

I had always wanted one. I just thought they were the coolest ever. 

I don't even remember how the desk got presented to me that Christmas. 

It was too big to wrap - and I don't remember how I got it out of the house or upstairs to my room, but it went with me when I did move out. 

I had the desk for many years. I believe it finally got donated to the GoodWill during the remodel of our home. I want to say that was 2008 or so. 

The gift was tremendous. I am sure it was expensive. It was probably a difficult thing for my mom to do to select only one or two things to give - you see my mom was very generous, but also very calculated. 

Gifts are for the giver, not really for the reciever. But the greater the love that goes into the selection or creation of the gift, the more valuable the gift becomes. 

Hearts

A hopeless heart today had I, the source of song recently dry - I sought the aid of neighbors, friends and push on through to meet the ends. A wish for health and better days sometimes seems quite a distance away and fear and lost my heart becomes while waiting on ignited ones.

12 Days of Christmas - Breakfast

Family traditions are steep when it comes to food. Growing up in San Diego, especially in my teen years our Christmas traditions for food was as follows: the morning usually began with coffee and it was hard to wake up because there were many years that we attended midnight services. We would often have a session of gift opening while the breakfast cooked and by the time it was ready the whole house smelled like sausage casserole. We would get to eat many helpings while cleaning up the wrapping paper. Then after everything was tidy, we would begin to set up, assemble, or otherwise 'play' with the new things we just were gifted. Magically (and I say magically because I don't ever remember helping) there would be deli platters set out on our table with all sorts of cheese, bread and meats to make sandwiches. These trays would stay all day long along with platters of home made cookies. I really appreciated the all day feast situation because I could invite my friends to stop by any time, people came and went all afternoon. The cooking was minimal having all been prepared beforehand. The cookies included the coconut haystacks, herseys kisses snickerdoodles, powdered sugar nusse balls, and butterscotch bars! 

I saw recently a TV show about how to preserve recipes that were hand written onto tea towels. What a clever idea! Below is an image of my mom's handwritten version of our family breakfast casserole. It has now been passed on to my daughter and she makes this for her circle and I couldn't feel more love in the tradition moving on....yum and thank you to all the moms and dads that share special treats at this time of year.

12 Days of Christmas - Legacy

What will you leave behind when you die? Ouch! I know that is a morbid thought...but I will tell you a story that is relative to Christmas. When my dad passed, he had in his car, an arm rest from our patio chair set. It had broken and he had loaded it up to take it to the hardware store to find the right size wood to repair it. He was busy 'replacing and repairing' for our family until the moment he died.

When Greg's grandma Lenore passed away, I was invited to her apartment to see if there was anything I wanted to retrieve for keepsake. Here's a couple things I found and my heart was moved to keep; I found a nutcracker. The nutcracker had a missing boot.  Somehow that nutcracker reminded me of my childhood and I took him home with me and ever since then, I have collected nutcrackers, and it all started with the bootless one. The other thing I found, was her Christmas cards, stationary and some poems. One of the poems I found moved me a great deal. You see, Grandma Lenore wasn't on the top of anyone's friends list, but I believe in her last days she longed for family and love; that poem reminded me that Christmastime is the best time to reach out to others- marginalized, friendless, depressed and lonely. My heart remembers this every time I read the poem and I have shared it many times over the years.....I am glad this was the legacy I discovered:

"Christmas Eve" (a poem)

The door is on the latch tonight,
The hearth-fire is a glow
I seem to hear soft passing feet-
The Christchild in the snow.

My heart is open wide tonight
For stranger Kith or kin;
I would not bar a single door
Where love might enter in.

12 Days of Christmas - Greetings

I have a notebook that contains the Christmas letters I have written over the years, some are a whole page and some are just photocards. I think the farthest back I go is 1990! There are some years missing and some years I have multiple different photocards. I have saved the last Christmas card I received from my mom, and keep it with the Nativity set - it is super special. Since the days of social media, it seems that sending a postal 'Greeting Card' may be on the way out of fashion. No need for that annual letter to sum the year up - since many post regularly about what is going on in our lives. I have to admit that is an easy way to catch up with friends that live far away or are only in contact with via social media. We still enjoy receiving cards and our family still hangs them on the wall at Christmas. I admit, I save my cards for the whole year and only 'retire' them once I begin the next year's batch. Since this year I am only sending a few cards (I am sending cards to those who still send cards...) I will post what I wrote in my note for this year as one of my '12 Days' musings:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2020!

Greg suggested that I write a note that says, “Nothing has changed this year, so we don’t have much to write…” He is funny! I would love to announce that our family is growing! In the photo below you see Harriett celebrating Birthdays with Linda and Darrell – She is Ben’s fiancée! Ben and “Harry” have not set a wedding date yet, but I am really looking forward to having a daughter-in-law!

Veronica and Jason are living and working in Western Washington…much of my family is there now, in fact, all of my siblings are there except my sister Cindy, who lives in South Carolina. I have made many trips up to visit Seattle and the area this year!

We wish you the very best life has to offer, and an abundance of courage and strength when the journey is challenging, and faith and joy to keep on! Take care of each other!

Peace and blessings always – From Greg Murray and family

Pat, Ben, Veronica, and Harry and Jason, too!

I chose this photo to accompany our greeting this year because I love how good Darrell and Linda look! Ageless! AND that is Harry - our newest family member, celebrating right along with Mom and Dad! Such a sweet and joyful memory - and I so look forward to the many more memories to come!

12 Days of Christmas - Darkness

Last Night I rode my mountain bike on a dark ride. As I grow older, it becomes harder to see in low light situations and those moment punctuate aging eyes, aging body...time passing. It was cold and it was a challenge to stay motivated to keep pedaling. I thought about how I celebrate the solstice each year, and in fact, Twelfth Night, by William Shakespeare, is about the Christmas season ending in the changing of the length of days. (That hearkens to the title of my blog!)

Creator:David Michael Bellis

Copyright:Blue Rockfox Productions

Isaiah 9:2 The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.

When I consider these words, they bring a great comfort to me. Without darkness, we do not know the aid of light. Without cold, we do not know the warmth of the heat. I am always turning on extra lights in my house and maybe that is because I can't see well, but maybe it is another way I am reminding myself I need the light for freedom - to move, to progress. Have you ever suddenly had a power outage? You freeze for the moment because you are blinded with darkness! This is how the Christmas season is for me - it helps me recognize that I need a leader and a healer to be mobilized. Enjoy the dawn this day and allow the light in your heart to grow!